August 24, 2008
Ah, Ain't It So Though?
From Regardez Moi, a superbezvouz blog I just found.
Posted by Bree at 02:30 PM | Comments (2)
May 21, 2008
Business + Pleasure
From: Eric
To: briggles
Date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 3:55 PM
Subject: RE: Just another Sunday night in THE HOOD
[THE GANGLAND ACTIVITY IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD] is some truly scary shit. But the timing it very interesting when you think about it; right when you launch your site you have some ambitious young go-getters traipsing right by your house. Maybe with your help, they can polish their gang’s image and finally show everyone they mean well. You can be the mouthpiece for a generation of misunderstood peace-keepers. Who keeps the Crips from taking over? The Bloods. Who keeps the Bloods from dominating? The Latin Kings. Its a closed loop process that should be exalted for its efficiency and I think you’re the one for the job.
Want to get rip-roaring drunk sometime soon? I do.
- Eric
Posted by Bree at 11:41 AM | Comments (2)
April 25, 2008
Bone St.
Gavin McInnes's new-to-me web site, Street Boners and TV Carnage, has got some serious giggles on it. I especially enjoy the Street Boners part, wherein they brutally parse the outfits of assorted...free spirits. But I'm cruel. Things like this make me laugh. I also like lighting cats on fire and muff-punching Salvation Army coin collectors. Sue me.
My favorite of the day:
This isn’t a beer belly. It’s a gas tank for a fat piece of shit machine.
Posted by Bree at 04:35 PM | Comments (0)
April 09, 2008
Inbox
From: briggles
To: Matty the Horse, Marc L.
Date: Wed, Apr 9, 2008 at 1:17 PM
omg, i just found out one of my alltime fave bands went to skidmore! http://www.freewilliamsburg.com/september_2004/ratatat.html
these guys RULE.
From: Matty the Horse
To: briggles, Marc L.
Date: Wed, Apr 9, 2008 at 1:24 PM
No way, crazy. Them and Evan Dando and G Love and Rena Str*ber (of shoot-out at Rao's fame). And me and Marc of course.
Did you notice he said he didn't think Skidmore had a good music program? They certainly taught me to sing well. Oh wait.
From: briggles
To: Matty the Horse, Marc L.
Date: Wed, Apr 9, 2008 at 1:26 PM
Remember when Evan Dando couldn't get into Pianos in front of us because he didn't have his ID? That's still the funniest thing that's ever happened to me. I'm confident in saying that it's the funniest thing that ever WILL happen to me as well.
From: Marc L.
To: Matty the Horse, briggles
Date: Wed, Apr 9, 2008 at 1:27 PM
Oh yeah. I think I slept with those dudes.
From: Matty the Horse
To: Marc L., briggles
Date: Wed, Apr 9, 2008 at 1:30 PM
That was pretty awesome. Only rivaled by when Marc sat next to Alec Baldwin and Kristen Davis at a sushi restaurant and Alec kept telling her all night: "You have such a beautiful face. You're so beautiful."
I slept with one of them, but for the life of me I can't remember which.
Posted by Bree at 01:33 PM | Comments (0)
March 21, 2008
New (To Me) Site
Introducing friend of Design Boner: (the) Frugal Fag: Wit and Wisdom from the Cheapest Gay Man in America. I met the dough-conscious fella in question over a coupon-laden, four-blogger extravaganze including corned beef, cabbage and, um, barbequed ribs (I don't care what you say, Stephen, that IS a traditional Irish meal and you're totally gonna have to cage fight my Mom if this blasphemy keeps up), and have been amused by his site e'er since.
Sample entry exerpt (and an excuse to use the handy blockquote HTML tag):
I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I didn’t do anything special for my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. In my defense, I did fulfill one of his fantasies the night before by taking him to his favorite sushi restaurant for an all-you-can-eat Wednesday special. It truly was a match made in heaven, combining his love of raw fish and sticky rice with my love of flat-fee dining. I thought I was off the hook until he gave me a card after we got home from dinner. In the card, he listed a few of the reasons why he still adores me and I felt that special mix of appreciation and dread that can only come from being one-upped in the romantic-gesture department. In the ongoing dance-off that is our relationship, it was clear that I had just been served.
Posted by Bree at 12:44 PM | Comments (1)
February 27, 2008
Outbox
From: briggles
To: Sexual Spanker
Date: Wed, Feb 27, 2008 at 10:21 AM
Subject: Re: sicko
oh lady! I am "back at work" aka lying on my couch listening to deuce snore - today too. Trying to write an article on weight loss and chronic pain. Did you KNOW all we have to do is drink more water and eat low-salt soup? I am learning so much.
So sorry to hear you're sick too...did I tell you my bro had to go to the ER over the weekend? He threw up so much he burst blood vessels in his face! Did you throw up?
I took theraflu night time last night and am feeling semi-ok today. Very snotty (as usual) with a hacking emphysema-like cough and crazy muscle aches - my hips yesterday felt like i'd been doing walking lunges on the side of everest for several hours - it was sweet. Plus my back is KILLING me...wtf?
we better fucking be better by thursday night is allllls i'm saying. This is the longest I've gone without drinking since elementary school.
Posted by Bree at 01:29 PM | Comments (0)
January 08, 2008
Inbox: Special "Oh It is ONNNNN!" Edition
From: Duffy
To: Bree
Date: Jan 8, 2008 9:07 AM
Subject: I beg to differ
Bree,
Couldn't see where the comment section was on the website but just wanted to comment about the shot you fired across the bow regarding the scotch eggs/pepperoni bread debate. While a man of leisure like myself can truly appreciate the cholesterol quotient of the scotch eggs, my bread has cheese! Plus it looks like Pepperoni Bread is easier to make, which is of great consequence to a man of leisure such as myself. If you want to make them next time you're home, I'll more than happily partake, but for now, I'm gonna dance with the girl that brung me.
all the best,
duffy
Posted by Bree at 09:29 PM | Comments (0)
December 20, 2007
Craigslist Missed Connection of the Day (or September 24th)
You Gave me the finger -- Coffee? - m4w - 36
Reply to: pers-515106223@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-20, 8:29AM MST
You: late 20's, early 30's woman driving of the ramp on I-25 North, around 7 AM, Monday, 9.24.07, in a silver Toyota SUV. You were obviously a VIP headed to a critical meeting with similarly important people. I loved the way you leaned on your horn every time some peasant driver got in your way, swerved recklessly through traffic, and ignored social convention (who's got time for those?!) by refusing to use your turn signals. You sexy beast, rulebreakers are so hot! You not only honked at me, you favored me with "the bird", so I know you think I'm especially equipped to serve your majesty.
Me: smitten 36 y.o. peasant driver, not nearly as important as you, but aware of my place in the world relative to your greatness. I thoughtlessly dared to merge into an open lane coming off the ramp at a mere 10 miles over the speed limit, when you were coming up from behind. Who cares if it was completely safe for me to do so, I should have known that *you* needed that lane, even though there were two others to choose from, and driven off the ramp into a tree. Maybe I should do that now, as punishment for daring to briefly inconvenience you.
I know we're meant to be together--otherwise I wouldn't have seen you at the next 3 stoplights. Anyway, if you read this, I hope you choke to death on a pretzel you fucking bitch.
Coffee?
Posted by Bree at 03:49 PM | Comments (0)
November 17, 2007
Inbox
From: Angela
To: briggles
Date: Nov 17, 2007 10:24 AM
Subject: bold AND italics
I think I mentioned that Meyer has been throwing up? This morning, bright and early, he barfed up a pair of boy shorts. Hanes, size nine, apparently previously tie-died. They were all balled up, about half the size of my arm. Unbelievable. And he picked them up at his puppy sitter's house from when I was in Tokyo, meaning he's had them in his body for over 10 days. wtf? He had a serious blockage - he could have died. Or required serious surgery. But the poor little guy, he's such a hard worker, that every night he worked on bringing the suckers up, and today finally got it done. Best part? The undies are almost fully intact, except for the crotch, which is completely shredded.
goodmorning!
Meyer clearly eyeing his next snack: the tea kettle.
Posted by Bree at 10:27 AM | Comments (0)
October 23, 2007
Ladies and Jints, We Have a Winner
Posted by Bree at 08:20 PM | Comments (0)
October 04, 2007
Inbox
from: Mikey Macs
to: The assorted clowns
date: Oct 4, 2007 6:42 AM
subject: F Train
I was sitting on the F-train heading toward Brooklyn last night when these two thuggish looking teenage girls got on my car at Delancy Street. Wasn't really paying any attention until I hear one of them reading one of those 'Poetry in Motion' poems out loud, a Walt Whitman one from 'Leaves of Grass'. You've probably seen it.
"STRANGER! If you, passing, meet me, and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me?
And why should I not speak to you?"
"Who wrote that?"
"Walt Whitman."
"Is he still alive?"
"Nah."
"Probably cause of some dumb shit like that."
Posted by Bree at 07:12 AM | Comments (0)
October 01, 2007
Tonight in Craig's List
STD??? - m4w - 54
Would like to meet a lady who either has herpes or one who can enjoy safe sex with me. I'm 5 6", a bit of the chubby side, white, single, and will give oral and use toys instead of me if you're willing. Can host. Leave contact info and let's get wet together.
Posted by Bree at 06:50 PM | Comments (0)
September 28, 2007
Obsessed
I'm a little obsessed with reading Craigslist personals. I can't help it, they never fail to amuse. Case in point:
LOOKING FOR A GIRL FRIEND - 49
I'M LOOKING FOR A GIRL FRIEND A LIFE PARTNER A BEST FRIEND AND A LOVER ALL THE GOOD THINGS
Posted by Bree at 06:16 PM | Comments (0)
September 24, 2007
New Entry Courtesy of Jenny and Zoe
Too funny to stay in my inbox:
Jenny: Thanks to Stella McCartney you can forego pants this winter and still stay warm, all the while exuding the fashionforwardness of a freshman year weed den.
Next spring--the return of the baja.
Zoe: this is what happens when you refuse to use animal products.
the fact that those shoe boots are pleather deepens the wound.
Posted by Bree at 09:03 AM | Comments (0)
September 14, 2007
Inbox
from: Jay-bird
to: Briggles
date: Sep 14, 2007 9:32 AM
subject: Dreams
You were in mine last night again. You had a really cozy little house somewhere and the sky was gray. You were putting me up for the night because something had happened though I don't know what. Oh yeah, I was attacked by a spider which really turned out to be a crab. Gave me the hives baby, but you took care of me. No nookie in this one. Your loss.
Posted by Bree at 10:11 AM | Comments (0)
August 27, 2007
Linkety Lanks
Here you go, a round-up of some good stuff on the World Wide Internet:
Gala's 10 Rules for Everyone
Kate Hudson sporting a hat I'm oddly - though undeniably - drawn to; also sucking face
Photos of the storm aftermath in Chicago c/o Design Boner (Mols - my lady - pos. thoughts beaming towards you et other papal units.)
Unawares of potty meatball claim denied!
The "Sinew With Eyes" strikes again
Mr. Right
Posted by Bree at 06:03 PM | Comments (0)
July 06, 2007
Inbox: Special "Only in Your Dreams" Edition
From: [REDACTED married male friend]
To: briggles
Date: Jul 6, 2007 3:20 PM
Subject: Re: Fwd: Where has the time gone?
I had a dirty dream about you last night.....crazy!!!!
From: briggles
To: [REDACTED married male friend]
Date: Jul 6, 2007 3:28 PM
Subject: Re: Fwd: Where has the time gone?
I hope I was good.
From: [REDACTED married male friend]
To: briggles
Date: Jul 6, 2007 3:58 PM
Subject: Re: Fwd: Where has the time gone?
lets just say i woke up with a woody, you were AMAZING!
* * * * *
Ah. At least I'm getting it on on some plane. Granted with a totally committed and ASLEEP father and husband who lives several states away. Reassuring to see my reputation precedes me into the deepest realms of the subconscious, howevs. Time to go ogle myself.
Posted by Bree at 05:31 PM | Comments (0)
June 20, 2007
Hangover Mail
Rick just e-mailed me that he's all hung like the doggy at work. In sympathy, and to hopefully find some cures I didn't cover in my 2004 "Helping the Hangover" freelance screed for the surprisingly now-defunct Damosi.com, I just searched my G-mail for the word "hangover." 69 results. Probably double that if I search for "hung like the dog," come to think of it.
Anys - in conducting this exhaustive research, I came across some FUNNY-ASS shit. Most of which is far too...uh...revelatory to post here. Suffice it, there have been some wild times in the past few years. And by "past few," I mean...20. Tomato, potahto. Anys, here's one, from last summer, that made me crack up on this hot afternoon:
Speaking of Manhattan, I woke up this morning with a brutalis hangover (thank you margarita-laden birthday sendoff to my new awesome friend who's leaving for ASIA on wednesday for THREE MONTHS. c'est so lame.) and there was a FUCKING CAT in my apartment. I shit no.
There was an orange cat in my apartment.
It was a little weird. I gave it some tuna and some water and opened the door to my porch and it left.
Um.
Yep. A cat. There was a cat...? in my apartment.
I then went downstairs to throw in some laundry and ran into a friendly aquaintance of mine who moved in here after coming to a party at my place a few months ago, and told him the story. Weirdly - this is kind of the second time this has happened to me in this place, and he knew that, so in talking about it I said, "I love pussy and apparently pussy loves me." and he shot me this weird look. So now I'm convinced he thinks I'm a lesbian.
Doesn't help I'm wearing a sweatshirt that says Northport Girls Lacrosse.
FUCK.
OMG - now I'm going to have to bring it up to him and it's going to be totally a "doth protest too dothing much" sitchy. FUCK FFUCJCKLCKDLS:JF.
(that's me hitting my keyboard in false-sapphic ire.)
Posted by Bree at 12:12 PM | Comments (0)
June 13, 2007
Inbox
Some treats from my inbox to keep you ultra-satisfied this Tuesday morn, care of the New York crew:
Russian Ninja
Cake Rental
The reason Matt is a Republican
from: Matty the horse
to: briggles, elliott, misspassalaqua
date: Jun 12, 2007 1:20 PM
subject: Jagger/Richards/N*ely
"Torn and Frayed" actual lyrics:
Joe's got a cough, sounds kind a rough,
Yeah, and the codeine to fix it.
Doctor prescribes, drug store supplies,
Who's gonna help him to kick it
What I thought they were for 10 years:
Joe's got a grudge, sounds kind of rough
Yeah, at the pony convention
Doctor prescribes, drug store supplies,
Who's gonna help in the kitchen
--
from: elliott
to: matty the horse, briggles, misspassalaqua
date: Jun 12, 2007 1:32 PM
subject: re: Jagger/Richards/N*ely
By the way. What I thought they were...
Joe’s got a couch, sounds kid of rough, and....
Can the codeine fix it.
My girlfriend’s eyes, look so surprised, who’s gonna help in the kitchen
Posted by Bree at 07:31 AM | Comments (0)
June 10, 2007
Inbox: Picture Text Message Special Edition - Pittsfield, MA Restaurant Design Review
From: Christina aka Vintors in the 413
To: Bricks in the 303
Date: Saturday, June 9 estimated 10:30 p.m. EST
have you been to spice in pitty. talk about design ecclectic. i will bring a camera. peeing in an elevator
--
From: Christina aka Vintors in the 413
To: Bricks in the 303
Date: Saturday, June 9 estimated 11:30 p.m. EST
wood paneling, spindles and gumballs. thats design on a dime or...Teos.
Posted by Bree at 06:13 PM | Comments (0)
March 30, 2007
Google Gets to the Bottom of It
Per my early morning e-volley with the lovely Ms. Sherri of the London Sherris, I apparently triggered a few google ad words and links:
Maternity T-Shirt
Modern & Funky Maternity Tees For The Stylish Mum-to-Be Fr £21!
www.FunMum.com/T-Shirts
Painless Parenting
How to manage the behavour of your children
www.painlessparenting.co.uk
Temper Tantrums?
Put an end to all the kicking and screaming without losing your cool.
Good-Child-Guide.com
More about...
Garth Brooks Lyrics »
Garth Brooks Album »
Garth Brooks Albums »
Garth Brooks Music »
Accordin' to the Googler, I'm pregnant by a country star. Trying to figure out what exact quote led them to this conclusion, and this is the closest I could get:
"I was just sitting on the can, contemplating my reply, and the lyric: "Marseilles, say, say what you want...." (aka that old song from Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson - that's "Jacko" to you Britons -) popped into mind. It was a soulful accompaniment to the sound of my urine hitting the water.
Of course."
Posted by Bree at 08:19 AM | Comments (0)
March 28, 2007
Inbox (Special "EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR" Version)
From: Rick
To: briggles
Date: Mar 28, 2007 5:12 PM
Subject: Hassle Castle
Bree,
As I am wont to do these days at work, I spent some bored moments taking in the latest from SAB. Regarding your self-flagellation about not doing enough these days, let us put this into some perspective...
So it takes you a year of your life to figure out what you want to do and attempt some new endeavors...that is a mere 365 days out of the probable 30,000 days you will live in your life. (I'm assuming you at LEAST make the ripe age of 80). That is a mere 1.2% of all the days you will live. One point two percent! If you draw the analogy of your entire life lasting only one hour, the portion you are spending on this time in your life is little more than 40 seconds. A blip. Nada. Nothing for a process that holds so much potential. Imagine if you were spending this time in a poorly climate controlled building working a pointless, soul crushing job. Que terrible!
Plus, you have accomplished at least all of the following since I have known you:
- Purchased snappy automobile
- Formed meaningful relationship with Sugar Dog (Juice Newton)
- Moved from merciless New York to Aurora, Colorado
- Moved from Saudi Aurora to welcoming, park-side apartment in Denver
- Moved from welcoming, park-side apartment to fabulous house (which you own)
- Hosted a party dedicated to cured meat
- Traveled to Argentina
- Skied numerous days under brilliant sunshine (as well as zero visibility)
- Worked for a wine bar
- Determined you did not want to own a wine bar
- Determined that you did want to make a go of design consultancy
- Assisted in sprucing up the Park Hill 'hood by decorating part of my house (I still owe you some money, figure it out)
- Hosted the family on your turf
- Survived the blizzard of 2006
- Witnessed Miami Vice on the big screen
- Been a catalyst to your friends for dinners at cool places like Frasca
- Met someone who could be a really cool addition to your life (Me excluded of course, I'm leaving. I'm talking about Darth.)
Posted by Bree at 05:36 PM | Comments (0)
March 06, 2007
Inbox
From: Maman
To: briggles
Date: Mar 6, 2007 10:24 AM
Subject: Fw: Toaster
Bree,
Look what came in out the blue. Nancy has good taste and at least he skis.
MOM
----- Original Message -----
From: Nancy
To: Elaine
Sent: Monday, March 05, 2007 1:05 PM
Subject: Re: Toaster
I met a cute, tall mortgage broker from Denver at Snowmass last week...dragged him onto the dance floor actually.. and I think he would be a great connection for Bree both business wise and socially. He's about her age and very nice. I told him I would get his numbers to Bree who might need to finance a house or a business so he wouldn't be surprised to hear from her. She would need to reference me as the older blond at "Le Cirque", however!
Posted by Bree at 12:21 PM | Comments (0)
January 31, 2007
Inbox
From: molpope
To: briggles, among others
Date: Jan 31, 2007 8:04 AM
Subject: CC alum spotting
...I've caught a few awful Real World Denvers...enough to see that their boss on their new job at Outward Bound is none other than a CC alum! Has anyone else seen this? His name is Chris, and my memory of him is that he dated a tall spunky woman with short curly hair (possibly Susannah's RA from freshman year in Slocum?) Could her name have been Chris too? Hazy memories - it's almost been 10 years! (more on that later, cc-ers. we've got a 10 year reunion to ponder.)
My favorite line of his so far - said to a Real Worlder who is wiping her vagina clean after going to the bathroom in the woods, "It's not cool to wipe yourself in the middle of camp."
And you know what I say to that?
Word.
Posted by Bree at 03:19 PM | Comments (0)
January 25, 2007
Inbox
From: Captain Spicer
To: Lady Sawtooth
Date: Jan 25, 2007 4:21 PM
Subject: Trapped in the California closet
hope the attached jpeg works. cuz you really need to see gay keith urban jesus for yourself.
Posted by Bree at 09:17 PM | Comments (0)
January 10, 2007
Inbox (Modern Quandary)
From: briggles
To: [redacted]
Date: Jan 10, 2007 11:32 AM
hey,
quandary. you're the only guy i know who uses lambskins.
and they're expensive.
and i bought a box right before we broke up.
do you want me to mail them back to you?
lemme know.
xx
bn
Posted by Bree at 11:32 AM | Comments (0)
December 17, 2006
Inbox
From: P.Dope (aka D.Pope)
To: Briggles
Date: Dec 16, 2006 10:48 AM
Subject: Baby names
Still no baby, but the name search continues, so any suggestions would be appreciated. Keep in mind, though, that we've already rejected the name Peter because of the possibility of the following:
Speaker 1: That Pete Pope is a ping-pong pro.
Speaker 2: Presumably Pete's parents are pretty proud.
Speaker 1: Probably.
Posted by Bree at 12:05 AM | Comments (0)
August 28, 2006
Bumping the Jams
From my landlord:
"I recieved a few phone calls this weekend about the volume and bass of the music coming from your apartment on Friday night. Both callers mentioned that the bass was the biggest thing."
Snap! The bass is the biggest thing! Check yourself, son, me and my racktangular b donkadonk be subwolfing with sizzlin' hot beats all TGIF-stylez. Represent. Word is bond. Etc.
Posted by Bree at 01:41 PM | Comments (0)
August 20, 2006
Inbox
From: Matty the Horse
To: Bree
CC: Sexual Spanker
Date: Aug 20, 2006 3:27 PM
Subject: Re: look what i just signed up for...
The words "dirty" and "hippie" spring to mind as I peruse [couchsurfing.com] and wonder just who my sister really is. I'm thinking a glass pipe and some devil sticks for Christmas. And a refill for her Glade Patchoulli Plug-in.
And some anti-scabies ointment.
From: Hedge Funder
To: Fellow Masshole
Date: Aug 20, 2006 4:07 PM
Subject:
When you write "natch" do you mean naturally? Been wondering for a while but too sissy to ask
Posted by Bree at 04:24 PM | Comments (0)
August 15, 2006
Inbox
From: Captain Spicer
To: Lady Sawtooth
Date: 15 Aug 2006 14:15:48
Subject: PS
My friend Jenni saw Barbara "Babs" Walters at the gyno. So . . . you know . . . she's got a vagina.
Posted by Bree at 04:58 PM | Comments (0)