August 22, 2008
Animal Rescue
This is what Matt said to me on the phone a little while ago: "I'm gonna finish up here, go home and get the cat or squirrel or whatever that's stuck in the wall out and then meet you for lunch." I asked him if he suspected it was actually a baby humpback whale that had mistaken his wall for its mother, but he didn't seem to think that would be the case.
UPDATE: It's a cat! And it's still in there! : 0
UPDATE PART TWO: It was two cats! (Well...kittens.) And they're now currently resting comfortably at the home of his vet tech friend who has promised to bring them to the shelter in the morning. He said they were a. wicked cute and b. beasts I would've wanted. Color me gladd I didn't go over there this afternoon to "lend a hand" (i.e., stand around until the work was done and then cuddle me some kitty).
UPDATE PART THREE: It was three cats!
Posted by Bree at 11:40 AM | Comments (0)
August 12, 2008
LOL WALTER
(This was on my laptop when I got back tonight, thanks to the lovely and talented catsitter: Ms. Angela S. Come to think of it, there also was a used condom in my bed and an empty bottle of Courvesoir in the shower, but I'm giving the benefit of the doubt that these were just forgotten remnants of my last night in Denver and not sordid clues to Angela's double life.)
Posted by Bree at 07:38 PM | Comments (0)
July 30, 2008
My Spirit Animal is Le Tigre
For I am among the more mystical of the megafauna.
Posted by Bree at 10:54 AM | Comments (0)
July 29, 2008
Strike That
I think that I may not be getting a new dog after all. Marie had the very good notion that she and I and people like us tend to get to a good, manageable point in our lives and then decide to test ourselves by adding more. When she brought up that idea, I immediately recognized it to be the truth. I'm open like that. And she's right like that.
I still have plans to meet with the rescue lady today and maybe talk to her about the idea of fostering a dog rather than adopting one. That might be more my steez at this particular juncture. I mean, I woke up at 6 a.m. today to work for one client (unheard of), am at the office of another right now and don't even have time to go to the gym or see my boyfriend or even take the afternoon constitutional I so covet. Another dog just might not be in these cards.
Posted by Bree at 11:12 AM | Comments (0)
July 26, 2008
Sure You Can Use My Phone...
OH and speaking of pets. Forget Blair Witch, Walter has now succeeded in his quest to turn my basement into an infinitely more horrible lair of Jame Gumb-inspired depravity.
I just went downstairs (never again! never again!) to change the laundry and realized he had another LIVE bird he was tormenting down there. So, after a bit of back-and-forth with the cat (I reasoned, he resisted), I scooped them both up and put them outside - where he is CURRENTLY DISEMBOWELING IT on my welcome mat. I am **so** attaching a cowbell to that little murderer's neck.
Just as soon as I can leave the house, I mean.
Posted by Bree at 01:43 PM | Comments (2)
Grappling
It's impossible.
It's totally impossible.
We don't have the proper cars. We vacation too much. Our houses are too small. Our beds are too small.
Yet.
Matt and I are thinking of getting another dog. I believe there must be about a ten-time limit of surfing the local shelter's web sites and finding beasts like:
My name is Cleo. You can probably tell from my picture that I'm not a purebred Saint Bernard. I am a mix, most likely German Shepherd. I am a very sweet, very smart girl. I love to play with the other dogs in my foster home, and I don't seem to have much interest in cats. I would love to find a home where I can spend the rest of my life with a real family of my own.
and
Hi, I'm Seamus ( shay-muss )! I came to Rescue because I escaped from my back yard when it snowed and got into trouble. I am a smooth coat, medium-sized Saint mix ( probably have some lab in my family tree somewhere, but don't hold it against me ). I am very athletic, and love to play. I weigh about 100 pounds now, so I'll be a good sized boy when I'm done growing. I would love to find a home with a playmate with my energy level. I will need obedience training, but do fine in a crate, and have my house-training down cold.
and
I am a beautiful 2 year old fawn male. I am such a sweet, shy little boy. My Hocobare helper says my pictures don't do me justice, and that my face in incredible! I was very scared in the kennel and I shook in fear, but when I was in a foster home with 2 other boxers to play with, I came out of my shell and was doing fabulous! I am very affectionate and have lots of love to give. I will steal your heart!
before you go and grab one. I also believe, on some level, that because we can both afford it and provide solid, loving, permanent homes to abandoned critters, we should. We just should. And, of course, a big, furry, drooly addition will bring us one step closer to our goal of founding the Park Hill ice bear army.
Posted by Bree at 09:47 AM | Comments (2)
June 24, 2008
The Newest Addition
This is Promises, a Trakehner colt born just last week to Preglestar. He's been bringing my ma a lot of joy while she's sidelined with a broken (ouch!) rib (ouch!) and is, by all accounts, both an officer and a gentleman. As well as a full brother to her yearling colt Pharaoh.*
*All the Trakhehner babies have to have names beginning with the first letter of the dam's name. This is all well and good when it's "P" but was a bit tougher when the mare Upstart was pumping 'em out. The suggestion "Umbilicus" was rejected more times than I care to count.
Posted by Bree at 04:35 PM | Comments (0)
June 23, 2008
MILE-HIGH MURDER
Walter just brought a LIVE BIRD into the basement. He toyed with it for a while before I dragged him off BY THE TAIL and brought the STILL CHIRPING bird (via dustpan) to my alleyway. Now it's lying there, dying, because I am too much of a pansy to go hasten the process...how? Hit it with a shovel? Drown it in a bucket? Encourage an addiction to cigarettes?
Ugh. Bad feelings all around.
Looking for some sympathy from the one who raised me, I called my mom. Her response: "Whatever. Life with cats. Our cats just caught two mice and a chipmunk and threw up all over the chairs on the back patio."
I am seriously rethinking this whole feline thing. Though it did bring me some joy that Matt described my blow-by-blow real-time description of the events that unfolded as "Blair Witchey."
Posted by Bree at 07:58 PM | Comments (0)
June 15, 2008
Seriously Though, Have You Met My Dog Yet?
If not, I would suggest you jump to.
Posted by Bree at 06:49 PM | Comments (0)
May 12, 2008
Doggles
The sun in Coloradey is BRIGHT. Seeing as we're a mile closer to it than most, and living in what is essentially a mountainous desert, people here are wise to use quality sunblock, gigundo eyewear and caution when blindly traveling towards the setting sun. When I walk Deuce in the afternoon, the trip west is often brutal on the peepers. I generally have a pair of enormous sunglasses to protect my sensitive iri, but the Deuce? Nothing, which bugs me, fan I am of shaded eyewear. It can't be pleasant to stare directly into a blistering star, or whatever this "sun" thing is.
Enter Doggles.
$21.99 at Doggles.com and cheaper here. I think I'll go with the metallic black frame/smoke lenses in order to assure her continued resemblance to Tom Petty.
Posted by Bree at 08:51 AM | Comments (0)
May 04, 2008
Vom
In the spirit of What Jeff Killed, may I present the above: the absolutely vomitous welcome home gift from Walter I just discovered on the steps to my basement. Guess that new bottle of stain remover won't be making the trip downstairs anytime soon.
Posted by Bree at 03:41 PM | Comments (1)
April 21, 2008
An Engineer's Guide to Cats
Wonderful.
Thanks, Molly!
Posted by Bree at 12:30 PM | Comments (1)
April 02, 2008
Ken Burns, She Ain't
Have you missed my incredible eye for accidental cinematic documentation? Me TOO! Here's another from the vaults - me and Stella in Cherry Creek, maybe late 2006 or so.
Hopefully more treasures await as I continue on the task of deleting all my pictures from this gotdang computer. After installing the latest OS, I literally don't have enough memory to save the documents I'm working on. Pathos.
Posted by Bree at 11:27 AM | Comments (0)
March 28, 2008
Release the Houuuunds
My mom told me about these ads (playing during Westminster, which I sadly only caught bits and pieces of), and my GOD they are heartwrenching. According to Denver blogger Andy Bosselman, howevs, all of the 12 dogs featured have found homes. Which makes the fact I have tears in my eyes just a teensy bit more overwrought. David Duchovny - you done good. Now get over here and let's do the no pants dance.
Oh my. Seriously weeping now.
And while I know we're batting 1.00 over here (or whatever, I'm no statistician) with our three rescue beasts (Deuce, Kryten and the ever-seductive Walter), that still doesn't feel like enough. Seriously. If I had my druthers, there'd be at least two more up in this piece. Including that guy (below):
Posted by Bree at 03:06 PM | Comments (0)
March 27, 2008
Making Your Nut: Squirrel Supper Edition
Picture c/o The Squirrel Queen
In homage to Jessica's cookbook collection, which included the Presley Family Cookbook and not one but TWO squirrel recipes, here's a bit of information regarding the tender, flaky and nourishing rodent, as well as Elvis'* apparent lust for his mama's - ahem! - Squirrel a la King:
"But though there certainly was no beef on the Presley's table, meat did make an occasional appearance. The Presleys were country people. The could live off the land. Nothing was more mouthwatering to Elvis than the sight of his father returning home with a shotgun in one hand and a freshly shot squirrel in the other. [Wouldn't a shotgun have obliterated the squirrel? Just wondering. - Ed.] Gladys cooked squirrels with dumplings - just like chicken - or fried them.
Fried Squirrel
To cook a squirrel, first go out and try to kill a very young one. This is the most important thing as old ones are too tough. When skinning the squirrel, make extra sure to remove all the hairs.
2 young squirrels, skinned and cleaned
Salt to taste
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
4 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
After carefully washing the squirrels, pat dry. With a mallet, gently pound the meat until the bones are crushed and the flesh is tender. Season the meat with salt and pepper. Melt the butter in a skillet (preferably cast-iron) over medium-low heat. Dredge the meat in flour, and add to the melted butter. Brown and turn. Continue cooking, stirring occasionally, until the meat is golden brown and cooked through. (Pierce with a knife to check doneness. The juices should run clear when cooked). The process should take 25 to 30 minutes.
Yield: Enough for a small starving family"
Editorial Note: Full disclosure - my Confederate grandmama once copped to eating POSSUM on Thanksgiving. Ever see a possum? No? Click HERE. Ever see a possum's bald, prehensile tail? No? Click HERE. Wonder who got lucky enough to munch the marsupial pouch...
*The Continuous S
The rule of grammar states that if a name has more than one syllable and ends in an s, and the last syllable makes an /ez/ sound (like in Texas), then only an apostrophe is needed.
Posted by Bree at 01:07 PM | Comments (0)
March 26, 2008
How My Morning Started
I know it's blurry, but if you squint your eyes, clench your buttcheeks and shove two uncapped sharpies up your nose then the picture quality ceases to matter. Trust me.
C/o Matt "Early Riser" Sullivan
Posted by Bree at 11:32 AM | Comments (0)
March 10, 2008
Boxer Porn
After reading about (but not watching...no way, no, no, no way) the soldier killing a little puppy over in the Iraq, I was pretty bummed out last week. Enter a teary-eyed Google search on "boxer denver" and behold: The HO-BO Care Boxer Rescue web site and its wonderful adoption "Success Stories". If you're feeling a bit blue, or just thinking about saving a tasty little beast (I'm looking at you, brother!), I really encourage you to take a stroll through the letters and pictures discussing how much these rescued boxers have brought to their owners' lives.
"Thank you so much for allowing us to adopt Otis (Brando). We adore him, he is part of the family and we cannot believe how well he fits in! We didn't know a male dog could be this sweet. He is so gentle with the kids, so patient. He loves to play ball and tug-o-war; he would play all day if we let him. We laugh every day. He brings so many smiles into our family. We thank God for you and all you do to get boxers into good homes. Thanks again. Marita also said that the shelter wanted to put Otis (Brando) to sleep! I cannot imagine why. We ask ourselves regularly: why would someone give up a dog like this? He is great with kids, even neighbor kids, he loves to play, but can be calm too, he is protective at the appropriate times, seems fine with other dogs, does well while we are not home, doesn't run away when we open the front door, walks well on a leash, gives lots of kisses every day. What else could we ask for in a dog?!"
"We just wanted everyone to know how grateful we are for Marita and all that donate their time to Hobo Care. We adopted a 1 year old white boxer just five days ago who was very abused but has a happy ending to her story. Girllie is her name.
We saw Girllie for the first time Monday March 20th at a shelter. My husband, our two boys, our other boxer Louie and I went to the shelter to see Girllie. It was love at first sight for all of us. Girllie being abused and in the shelter for two and half months was excited to see us but wasn't real sure about Louie. Like most dogs she snarled at him and at that time the shelter told us we were unable to adopt her because she snarled at Louie.
We were sent home and let me tell you it was a very quite ride home and our hearts went out for poor Girllie. Girllie has had both of her ears cut with scissors, stabbed in her back with some sharp object, had her dew claws ripped out and has been burned with acid. When we got home that evening we started looking at the ads in the paper when we came across one out of the hundreds that caught our eye. The ad said young female boxer and it gave a number. We called and it was Marita who answered. We asked if they had any white female boxers and Marita had told us that she was going to be getting one the next day from a shelter that had called her that evening and said to come pick her up or she would be put to sleep. God really had his hands in this and wanted Girllie to have a good home and a great life that she so truly deserved.
We were able to pick up Girllie the following Thursday and things have been great! Her and Louie couldn't be any better friends. They play non stop! She has enjoyed having her own bed, couch, toys and a family that has nothing but love to give her. She truly has been a blessing to us as well as Marita. Thank you just doesn't say it! May God bless Marita and all the other angels who donate their time and money to save wonderful dogs such as Girllie. If it wasn't for Hobo Care Girllie wouldn't be blessing our lives and for that there just isn't any words to show or tell how grateful we are to Marita and Hobo Care. You have completed our family!"
"I adopted "Sugar" -- now Miss Vanna White from HoBoCare in May of 2004, and I've been meaning to send an update -- I hope it's not too late. Vanna is my little China Doll; I am so glad I have her. She's deaf, but she doesn't care, and neither do we (me and her big brother, Mo). She is a happy little girl with a huge personality and a truckload of self confidence. Being deaf is such a non-issue for Vanna. She understands body language, facial expresssions, and hand signals. She really pays attention to what Mo does, especially if "cookies" are involved. She's the one who explodes out the dog door ahead of her brother to meet me when I get home from work. She's cuddly and playful and incredibly entertaining. We love her. Thanks Marita. You couldn't have placed her in a better home."
After reading the owners' stories and looking at the dogs HOBO has up for adoption, it is so difficult for me not to open up my heart to another one. But between Kryten and Deuce and Walter and our fairly ridiculous travel schedule and my suddenly small car, I don't feel quite ready to add another hairy creature to the list of responsibilities. Maybe in April.
Posted by Bree at 07:56 PM | Comments (0)
March 05, 2008
Sleepy Hot Dog
Posted by Bree at 06:34 PM | Comments (1)
March 03, 2008
Vanquish Your Dirty Monitor Screen
Simply by clicking here.
Posted by Bree at 05:08 PM | Comments (0)
Today in GLGS News
Sick to death of misfiring your spermatophores and TOTES missing the ladies' buccal cavities? Scrub your blues away, squidados, with this new dish brush in your likeness(es). $8 at Urban Outfitters. Tell 'em GLGS sent you.
Posted by Bree at 02:17 PM | Comments (0)
February 22, 2008
While I Was Gone...
Angela and Zach took care of Deucey Fruit. Suffice, farts were expressed, snots were sprayed and hilarity was ensued:
The lady's both a sound sleeper and a delightful house guest.
Posted by Bree at 05:56 PM | Comments (0)
February 15, 2008
Dog Fame
I submitted a picture of Stella and Deuce to the site Pillow Pillow Pillow and they made it! No comments up there yet - and no way to provide a direct link - but just click on the "Pet Casting Call" and then scroll through until you find the sweet little girls.
Posted by Bree at 11:30 AM | Comments (0)
February 06, 2008
Found on Flickr
Wow.
Posted by Bree at 11:13 AM | Comments (0)
February 03, 2008
Learn Something New (Every Few Weeks Or So)
Shrike: A shrike is a passerine bird of the family Laniidae which is known for its habit of catching insects, small birds or mammals and impaling their bodies on thorns. This helps them to tear the flesh into smaller, more conveniently-sized fragments, and serves as a "larder" so that the shrike can return to the uneaten portions at a later time.
Shrike Victim
Posted by Bree at 06:52 PM | Comments (0)
January 26, 2008
Dad, This One's for You
Posted by Bree at 08:06 AM | Comments (0)
January 25, 2008
Boxer Meet Up
When: Saturday, January 26 at 1:00PM
Who: At least 29 Boxer Lovers (plus me, Marie, Stella [aka STINKS] and Deuce [aka BEDHOG])
Where: Canine Corral
4848 S. Windermere on the west side of Bellview Park
Englewood, CO 80110
Posted by Bree at 08:48 AM | Comments (1)
January 14, 2008
Five Things I Learned From Wiki-How
Excerpted from the article Care for a Corn Snake
1. You should provide a bowl of water for your snake, big enough for it to soak if it wishes.
2. Inbreeding is best avoided.
3. It is best to feed your snake on frozen/thawed mice as they will not injure it and it's much more humane. You can also keep frozen mice for longer as they will not grow or die. To feed, hold the prey item in the tweezers and wiggle it in front of your snake.
4. Do not handle a snake after it’s eaten for 48 hours. Wash your hands before and after handling your snake. If it struggles, do not put it back but persevere or it will never learn to be friendly.
5. When your snake’s eyes glass over it’s time for it to shed...You may want to measure and laminate the shed as a record.
Vom.
Posted by Bree at 12:35 PM | Comments (0)
December 10, 2007
Where Have All My Chipmunks Gone?
Picture, title and cat courtesy of Molly P!
Posted by Bree at 01:07 PM | Comments (0)
December 04, 2007
New Cat Smell
I got a used cat, but he is new to me.
His name is Walter. He's more than a touch cranky, and has the sweet Deucer running skeerred every time he comes in the room - but the little thing also likes to purr and cuddle and has impressed all of us with his full-on badassitude. No shrinking violet he, in the two days he's been here, Walt's already made this house his own. Indeed, it seems dogs and people just get in the way of my kitty's devious machinations with regards to achieving world dominance.
Here's a video:
Posted by Bree at 05:19 PM | Comments (0)
November 05, 2007
Just Thinking
If there's anything more charming than watching your dog barf up a little chunk of her dinner on the floor, lick up part of it and then come directly over for a smooch, well...I can't name it.
Posted by Bree at 04:50 PM | Comments (0)
October 29, 2007
This Really Might Be the Best Thing Ever
Buy it here, my little dog-loving brethren. Now if only they made it Deucey-sized, we'd be alllll set.
Posted by Bree at 09:35 PM | Comments (0)
The Grossest Tail
Feeling particularly iron-stomached this afternoon? Check out this Times article on perfume manufacturing my dear ole Da sent Denver-way.
Italicized excerpt:
“This is civet!” Guichard announced. Civet is a fundamental French perfume material, a historic girder of the industry and the quintessential scent of France. It happens to come, Guichard said pleasantly, “from the anal gland of the civet cat.”
The consultant stared at him. “What?” she said.
“Well, a sexual gland,” said an amused Guichard, who then hit a button on his computer. The large plasma screen behind him showed us a picture of civets. They look like house cats who’ve been painted to look like zebras. He explained that the perfume material from the anal gland is found in both males and females. And it smells — quite simply — like anus.
“This is in perfume?” asked the marketer doubtfully.
“Absolutely,” said Guichard. “My father was testing it. They were using small blotters, and they were scooping out the cream —”
“It’s a cream?”
“Yes, and my father was tasting it. Rolled the cream around in his mouth.”
And in related news...
Posted by Bree at 01:03 PM | Comments (0)
September 13, 2007
Too Weak to Write
I've had quite the morning.
Quite.
The.
Morning.
And, since I've already gone to the trouble to write out the events for my dear Capt. Spicer, I figured - hezbollah, why not just copy and paste? You've had a brutal one, take this time to reflect, rather than craft another witty and beloved soliloquy to your September 13.
Herewith, the news:
I realize it may be hard to hear a story from a N*ely that that N*ely SWEARS is not an exaggeration but here goes: last night, Deuce busted into a bunch of chocolates Natasha had (apparently) mailed me. Bad news for dogs - chocolate is toxic. Vet said he thought she'd be all right, might have some loose stools (mmm) but that's it. So. Anys. She was all burpy and stuff last night but OK. This morning she woke me up around 6 and I went downstairs and it was as if someone had sprayed my kitchen and back door entryway with a shit/vomit gun. A shit/vomit gun set on "stun." Brown as the day is long. Brown and chunky.
I went back to bed.
Natch.
So, when I got up, I had a bowl of cereal and mustered my forces and spent the last FORTY FIVE MINUTES scrubbing like Cinderella. Oh, did I mention she also peed on my area rug? Yep. So that's outside, scrubbed and drying in the sun.
Mmmmmmm. Good morning. I think I'm going to have to go scald my hands in boiling lye for a few hours. 'scuse.
Jenny's response:
dear god.
maybe you should get her branded with that Rilo Kiley tattoo.
pets = trouble
me = nostradamus
TRUER WORDS, CAP'N, TRUER WORDS...
Posted by Bree at 09:57 AM | Comments (0)
September 12, 2007
Yep. Days Later - This is Still Cracking Me Up.
War On String May Be Unwinnable, Says Cat General
Posted by Bree at 06:35 PM | Comments (0)
September 07, 2007
Larnin' by List'nin'
Due to some really deep conversations with some really sage folk, I've gained quite a bit of insight since coming home.
Posted by Bree at 03:42 PM | Comments (0)
August 28, 2007
This Cat
This cat is named "Nude Dude."
This cat is a hairless Sphynx.
This cat is the cat I want.
Posted by Bree at 01:35 PM | Comments (0)
August 24, 2007
Friday Fuzzies
Posted by Bree at 03:15 PM | Comments (0)
August 21, 2007
Midday Message From Me and The Deuce
Kind of sums up my summer...toodles!
Posted by Bree at 01:17 PM | Comments (0)
It's Tuesday Morning!
Let's have some chickens in diapers, shall we?
Oh it's nothing, really. My pleasure.
RELATED: Egg Adverts.
Posted by Bree at 10:33 AM | Comments (0)
August 15, 2007
Warmus Fuzzius Maximus
Posted by Bree at 11:44 PM | Comments (0)
August 13, 2007
Without Going Into Too Many Details
The Deuce just...licked my boob. My bare boob. On the side, but still.
Direct hit. Seriously.
I feel as though I may have to file some sort of police statement or register with a federal database or something. Any input on how to live with yourself after getting to second base with your DOG? Damn. Now she's gonna expect me to call and go to the movies and stuff. Or, worse yet, reciprocate. Women! Can't live with 'em; sure as hell can't give 'em a quick hug while you're topless.
Posted by Bree at 01:05 PM | Comments (0)
August 12, 2007
Rick's Move to Massachusetts: Nature's Response
The opposite of a wicked pissah.
Maybe time to return to the great state of landlockitude?
Just a suggestion...
Posted by Bree at 01:21 PM | Comments (0)
July 31, 2007
Leaving and Staying: Doggy-Style
I almost left last night. At around 2 in the morning, when I woke up for the first time. I almost got in my car and drove away, and if it hadn't been for The Deuce, I probably would've. Not permanently, of course. But at least for a day or two. At least far enough down the road to be really alone.
Strange to realize what keeps you grounded. Though it's good to have a reason to come home, it's better to have a reason not to leave. And now I do.
Eh. Maybe not so much anymore.
(Go here for the super-awesome genesis of that super-awesome tattoo.)
CLARIFICATION: THAT IS NOT MY TATTOO, MOM.
Posted by Bree at 02:23 PM | Comments (0)
July 21, 2007
Bounty: The Dog Hunter
I think someone must've replaced my "go to eau de" with animal scent as of late. Wherever I may roam, the beasts done follow like I'm captaining the arc out to Alpoland. Case in punto: The Deuce and I stumbled across a skittish little border collie on our walk tonight - a skittish little border collie that soon saw me tackling it on to the neighbor's lawn (while still holding onto Deuker's leash and my cell phone). KBN wrestling two squirmy dawgs across the street, up the steps and into the house = a sight to behold for all and sundry, surely. I think by the time we were inside, there were some kids selling lemonade and a news chopper circling the scene.
All?
Sundry.
So yes - though the little dude had a rabies tag and collar, and was very friendly and housebroken, it seemed reluctant to divulge any secrets from the past. Even after a Mai Tai and half a joint. I understood. Sometimes the past can be painful to revisit, even in passing. We held each other and wept. After the tears had dried, and after a flurry of phone calls (two) between me and city officials (useless; Vote Perot!), I next got to spend my Saturday evening exploring the onus of driving the totally spastic panter (that's "panter" - not "panther") to the DESERTED Dumb Friends League (basically in New Mexico) and lifting it by me lonesome into a lock box (?) that was at shoulder height.
I believe a WTF is in order for that. (And I don't mean World Trade Federation, though I see how you'd get confused.) Thanks be I didn't find a St. Bernard. Or a hippo. Or, come to think of it, a panther.
Posted by Bree at 09:36 PM | Comments (0)
July 03, 2007
Meh
I just found a little pit bull in my alley. Maybe a year old. He looked all scruffy and tired and when I approached him and tried to get him to come to me, he ran away...limping. The dude stopped and looked back a few times, but wouldn't come.
I called 311 to see if they could pick him up, and they said they'd send someone over. I think that was the right thing to do, though I do believe they have a pit bull kill policy in the city of Denver. Now I just feel sad. Meh is right. If you've got a beast nearby, give 'em an extra squeeze or two.
My hand is TAKING OVER THE WORLD
Or just go visit Fandy Patinkin. Either or should send you off to a good night.
Posted by Bree at 05:25 PM | Comments (0)
June 28, 2007
Why I Dig On Colorado, Reason #86A
The cutest boy EVER just came to talk over my upcoming interior paint job (living room, dining room, bedroom, upstairs hallway) and - in addition to bringing the funk, he also brought THIS lil beast:
Trust me, the Deuce and I were both quite smitten with young master Booger. Unfortunately, she's the only one who got to french him.
Posted by Bree at 01:25 PM | Comments (0)
June 18, 2007
Le Pooch
Le pooch has been worrying me a bit recently. She doesn't do so well in the heat, so has been pretty lethargic ('cept when it comes to following me from room to room and up and down the stairs and up and down the stairs and room to room and up and down the stairs) and even has been leaving some of her chow in the bowl. This is crazy-business from a dog who, quite literally, would pull one of those "I'm going to binge until I burst" goldfish things if given half the chance. And kind of has.
So, relying on my ever-expanding animal husbandry skills, I've been thinking that maybe her teeth are bugging her and making the dry food painful to choke down. She's got some seriously crazy underbite, and her gums are all swollen and nutso-looking from it (and also make her look like she's always sticking her tongue out...very dignified) so it wouldn't surprise me if they get tender. Plus, must get kind of boring to eat the same thing day in day out. Not that I'd know.
Pet problem? Enter vet tech friend. The lady told me last night to soak the food in water for a minute or so and then zap it in the microwave for 10 seconds to make it more aromatic. This morning? The Deuker GULPED it down and even ate the remnants off the floor she's been recently leaving as a special gift for my burgeoning ant colony.
Deuce! She's back! Ahhhhh! Collective sigh of relief from all and sundry. Pass the pot brownies.
Posted by Bree at 08:35 AM | Comments (0)
June 12, 2007
Speaking of Animals...
Oh!!!! What??? My all-time favorite cat, Bear, is up for adoption. If Molly and Dave think he'd get along with the Deuce, I'm going to hit the road to Chicago and get the beast.
Paul just told me I was going to become "the animal lady."
'tevs. Talk to me when I get an otter.
He just also told me I needed to listen to "Casiotone for the Painfully Alone" and get super-depressed vis a vis my "current" "romantic" "situation." I am liveblogging this job, and the grief I take, and no one can stop me.
Posted by Bree at 10:39 AM | Comments (0)
June 11, 2007
Dear God...
I love this beast.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Nothing mends a bruised heart like an armful of boxer.
Posted by Bree at 11:02 PM | Comments (0)
May 10, 2007
Microchipping, Meet Your Waterloo
Love the picture, love the idea.
Posted by Bree at 08:18 PM | Comments (0)
April 23, 2007
Becoming One of Those People
Truth be told, I am fast becoming one of those people who is downright obsesso re: their dogs. For realz. The G-man and I brought Deucer on an 85-hour hike on Saturday (up to the Royal Arch in Boulder - not too shabs minus the last 18 miles of vertical rock climbing) and the pooch was, clearly, a super-duper trooper. Scrambling up rocks, running ahead, and greeting every dog on the trail with a geniality and grace unmatched by the fellow members of the species, girl made us proud. She even let me pour water directly down her throat in a most inelegant fashion without recrimination and allowed Garth to pick her up and carry her down the one scary (read: wet and slippery) part of the trail.
I don't know what else to say besides that little lovenugget has taken over my heart. Big time. The fact that she farts and snores and steals food and sneaks up on the furniture when I'm gone only adds to the adoration. I'm head over heels for this one, kids.
Posted by Bree at 08:43 AM | Comments (0)
April 18, 2007
Breaking
The dog just TOTALLY cut one.
Posted by Bree at 09:36 AM | Comments (0)
April 13, 2007
Newest Entry in the SUPER CUTE Department
And I ain't be talking 'bout no Leonardo.
Vanity Fair posted outtakes of the Annie Liebowitz polar cub/Dicaps photo shoot and that beast is just...beyond wonderful. (Mom, click "Start Slideshow.")
Ahmagod.
Posted by Bree at 07:46 AM | Comments (0)
March 28, 2007
Why I Don't Camp
Posted by Bree at 06:40 PM | Comments (0)
March 23, 2007
Girls Love Giant Squid Club (GLGS) *BREAKING* *UPDATE*
The world's first intact adult male colossal squid (Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni) being manueuvred by the crew of the New Zealand fishing long-line boat 'San Aspiring' in the Ross Sea near Antarctica, 22 February 2007. The gigantic sea creature is about 10 metres long and weighs a world record 450 kilograms -- about 150 kilograms heavier than the next biggest specimen ever found.(AFP/HO/File)
Posted by Bree at 12:27 PM | Comments (0)
March 11, 2007
Deuce(s) Wild
Instead of joining my Mom and Matt on a serious ducat-drop at Colorado Ski and Golf this afternoon, I took the Deucer on her first full run with me. Granted, we've been on several walks in parks all over town, but this was...uh...our virgin excurgin in the fast lane.
Verdict? We could both use some work.
The first minor calamity to befall the expedition was when she dislocated her shoulder, collapsed her rib cage, covered herself in bear grease and slipped out of her harness while I attempted to lock the door with the wrong key. One flying tackle on my front lawn later, and we were back in business. Second minor calamity? The beast's complete and total loss of steam halfway around City Park. Sure, crossing back and forth in front of me the entire time certainly added some serious mileage to her mission but le pooch acted like we were on a 100-miler. Drag-assing behind me, tongue lolling out like a lunatic, frothing...it was all rather dramatic.
Cutting the run short out of a familiar mix of sympathy and embarrassment, I came out of the park and started cruising down side streets to my house. But just as our exciting time in the realm of the physically fit drew to a close, I decided to punctuate the experience by TRIPPING on the sidewalk and effectively "eating shit" onto my hands and knees. I think the leash was wrapped around my thumb, as it's all swollen and crazy looking - complemented, natch, by my dirty, skinned palm. Considering I'm just now recovering from all the bruises I got moving, I haven't even had the gumption to check out what I did to my legs.
One bonus? When I dropped her leash and lay on the sidewalk howling in pain, little Dulce didn't go anywhere. She stayed by my side, looking concerned. Which is more than I can say for the dude loading his truck 20 FEET AWAY, pretending there wasn't a bleeding girl prostrate on the curb. Thanks, neighbor! Oh I'm sorry, did that flaming bag of dog turds land on your front porch? My mistake!
Conclusion: girl needs some leash-larnin'. I'm thinking of taking her to a police dog training class offered through my FAMOUS VET CLINIC, Alameda East - star of the awesome TV show, Emergency Vets on Animal Planet. Which, if you're at all a fan like me, you'll be envious to note that 
the kickass Dr. Fitzgerald totally said "Hi" to me while I waited for the Deucer to get her fingernails trimmed the other day. !!!!
An excerpt from his Wikipedia entry:
Fitzgerald is also a regular on the Denver-area stand-up comedy circuit, where he is billed as "the hardest working veterinarian in show business". An episode of Emergency Vets entitled "Fitz's Day" showed snippets of his stand-up act in a local comedy club. "Everybody laughed when I said I wanted to do comedy," Fitzgerald noted dryly, "but no one's laughing now."
Bwah!
Ahmagod, I love him!
Posted by Bree at 03:30 PM | Comments (0)
March 07, 2007
Breaking
Dulce (aka Deuce aka Deuce Leaky) drinks out of the john.
I guess you really can teach an old dog new tricks; like mother like daughter; she only wears a faint smattering of eau de toilette; AAAHAHHHAHAHA etcetera ad infinitum et nauseum.
Posted by Bree at 12:23 PM | Comments (0)
March 03, 2007
Dulce (Dool Say)
Today was my first day with the beast. She is just about the cutest, most loving, scrudgy little piece of wonderfulness I've ever had the pleasure to wrap my arms around. (And that includes Billy Dee Williams.) Even though the girl's a bit tense and confused as to what happened to her home...and her best friend (the woman who gave her to me had two dogs), she couldn't be sweeter. Following me around the house, licking my face, wagging her tail at a near-constant pace; she's a pleasure to be around.
So far, she's met three of my friends - and they've all been as enamored as I am. In fact, if it weren't for the beast, I mightn't have lured the Hardts over tonight for some good-natured manual labor backslash possible electrocution.
Owning a home? Fun. Owning a dog? Funner. Owning friends who bring you a beautiful Tord Boontje platter as a housewarming gift and then wander around with a drill saying, "No seriously - what more do you need me to do?"? Funneriest.
Posted by Bree at 10:50 PM | Comments (0)
February 28, 2007
Uh Oh...
Message forwarded:
It is with great sadness that I need to find a good home for my dog, Dulce. She is a fawn colored boxer, 5 years old, very sweet and loving. She would do best with someone who can give her lots of attention and love. She loves to chase balls around the house, go on walks, and snuggle. [Sounds familiar. - Ed.] Dulce does well with people and other dogs. She is very easy-going. Please let me know if you or anyone you know would want a beautiful boxer.
MAAAAHHH!
Posted by Bree at 12:03 PM | Comments (0)
February 10, 2007
Gezzund
Posted by Bree at 01:16 PM | Comments (0)
January 26, 2007
Cat Practice
Oh my goodness. That's a video of the enuermo cat who got caught trying to sneak in through a dog door recently. I really couldn't be more in love with this beast.
Posted by Bree at 08:37 AM | Comments (0)
December 22, 2006
'Til We Meet Again
Here's wishing everyone out there's feeling this damn good and looking this damn cute. MWAAAH! SMOOX! ADIEU!
Posted by Bree at 07:24 AM | Comments (0)
December 19, 2006
Oh Deer!
I remember watching this on a "When Animals Attack" special with P.Dope back at 1115 1/2 N. Nevada circa 1997. If memory serves - and given my habits throughout the last 15 years, it probably doesn't - the dude had sprayed himself in "deer scent" and the video was shot by his WIFE. Who, naturally, continued to shoot as her beloved was beat down by a stag. Duh, honey, art nearly always involves sacrifice.
(Might want to turn down volume; there is some RAGING Nine Inch Nails synth laid behind this.)
Posted by Bree at 07:47 PM | Comments (0)
December 14, 2006
Best. News. Story. Ever.
World's Tallest Man Saves Dolphins
BEIJING (AP) -- The long arms of the world's tallest man saved two dolphins in northeast China by reaching inside of them to remove plastic they had swallowed, state media reported Thursday.
(c/o Frox)
Posted by Bree at 09:10 AM | Comments (0)
December 04, 2006
Getting My (Tennessee Meat) Goat
Posted by Bree at 09:16 PM | Comments (0)
November 27, 2006
Cat Practice
Do yourself a favor, move the sweet kitty aside and point your browser here. You're welcome.
Posted by Bree at 10:07 AM | Comments (0)
November 23, 2006
Happy Thanksgiving From All of Us at Vend-A-Goat!
Posted by Bree at 09:24 AM | Comments (0)
November 08, 2006
For Shame...For Shame...
A careful reader pointed out that I forgot to include Mojo, the best Colorado kitty eeevvveeer, in the enumeration of all the beasts I'm going to be missing this coming holiday. Oh the horror! Moyo! My darling! I still love you! You can bite my eyebrows and eat off my plate and roll around on all my black clothes anytime, sweetie cakes. Sniffle.
While I would like to believe this melancholia is mutual, I can't help but suspect that her continued access to the liquified tallow-pumping teat my parents have apparently installed at the end of the kitchen table (er...right next to all that wine) may dulcify any feelings of loss and resentment.
"Rubenesque"
"Is that Mojo...or the cat that ATE Mojo?" - Molly P.
Posted by Bree at 10:43 PM | Comments (0)
November 07, 2006
If I had an Echidna...
I'd hammer in the morning.
No, actually. No, I wouldn't. No way. I'd be far too busy (gingerly) hugging the sweet beast to hammer at any time of day. Besides, it might disturb his delicate sensibilities.
Baby Echidna
According to the link above, this creature - also known as the "spiny anteater" has several qualities by which it is recommended. For instance, one's typical, garden-variety echidna is slow-moving, has a bulbous forehead and a long snout, is toothless as well as teatless, feeds almost exclusively on ants and termites, is rarely seen and has "distinctive and quite shiny" cylindrical droppings.
Pretty much the perfect pet. Or if you're my grandma, and like to feast on the occasional marsupe, the perfect Thankgiving entree. Your call but please, I beg of you, enough with the hammering.
Posted by Bree at 02:20 PM | Comments (0)
November 03, 2006
Horsing Around
Interesting article about the Dutch rescuing a herda stranded hosses.
Let's hear it for the Dutch!
Posted by Bree at 01:27 PM | Comments (0)
November 01, 2006
Happy Hump Day!
How turribly fitting this is my 500th entry.
Next stop: syndication!
Posted by Bree at 07:13 AM | Comments (0)
August 28, 2006
Clam on the Lam
I know I've thrown a lot at you in the past few days, but here's one for the record books: Google image search results for "Geoduck".
For those of you checking this in the a.m., consider finishing your salty sauccisson before clicking through. There's some weird-ass mung growing in Davey Jones' locker, and that's all I'm gonna say about that.
UPDATE: After clicking through the first link, please visit here so you can more fully participate in the next N*ely Family campfire sing-along. Also please note that mainly we like to sing in the round. As well as in the nude. Face paint optional; fun times mandatory.
Posted by Bree at 11:40 PM | Comments (0)
August 20, 2006
What Happens to a Dream Deferred?
Seems like my apartment building is up to its ears in animules, and thus I won't be getting a Boston Terrier until someone - and their pooch - moves onward. Given my propensity for travel and expensive, impractical furnishings as well as my impatience with poo in general, this is probably for the best. (Wait a minute...what was that noise? Was that giant whoosh of air a cross-country sigh of relief from the Berkshire County animal shelter I like to call "Mom and Dad's House"...hmmm...imagine that...)
But when I do get one?
I'm naming him Turk.
So, there's always that to look forward to.
Posted by Bree at 11:10 PM | Comments (0)
The Dark Side of Evolution
Something is very, very off:
Ole Gol' Toof
Sebastian's two gold teeth protruding from his furry face make him seem a little menacing, like a hip-hop star's guard-cat or a movie villain's pet. The feline didn't seem too happy with his new look at first."He's normally around me all the time," [his owner] said. "After I put the crowns on, he didn't 'speak' to me for two days."
Ole Grim Gum
[Maine] Residents are wondering if an animal found dead over the weekend may be the mysterious creature that has mauled dogs, frightened residents and been the subject of local legend for half a generation...Michelle O'Donnell of Turner spotted the animal near her yard about a week before it was killed. She called it a "hybrid mutant of something.""It was evil, evil looking. And it had a horrible stench I will never forget," she told the Sun Journal of Lewiston.
UPDATE: Mystery solved. Stinky, socially obtuse, somewhat violent? Obviously a N*ely family Bouvier.
Posted by Bree at 08:58 PM | Comments (0)
August 19, 2006
All right, One More and Then I Really Must Get Going
I am flirting with the idea of getting a dog - specifically, a Boston Terrier. Mainly because I just got a brand-new white couch (you may have heard something about it?), but also because they're the state dog of Massachusetts. No, really. Go Mounties!
It also might have a little something to do with these pictures. That is about four pounds of cuteness I need to have in my life. Just saying.
And, as if to make this decision even easier, I came across this positively exquisite poem about the beast, which I am totally TOTALLY having tattooed somewhere prominent:
Body Faults: Gaily carried tail.
Serious Body Faults: Roach back, sway back, slab-sided.
Slab-sided?
I think I'm in love.
Posted by Bree at 02:56 PM | Comments (0)
August 08, 2006
Hippo Eats Dwarf; Commonsense Dictates
You're welcome.
Posted by Bree at 10:55 AM | Comments (0)
August 06, 2006
Coming Home Agin
I came back from a month on the road to find a number of treasures from my distinguished houseguest. Among the offerings: six bottles of wine, a 12-pack of the Fattest Tire, a gift certificate for a massage, a wireless router (for the laptop I don't yet have), a necklace, a mug, a ziploc of frozen rhubarb and an inch of blueberry Stoli.
Don't fret: the rhubarb has already been dispatched. Straight into the trash. "Eff that...weird red stalks...who in the...? What in the...?" she mumbled angrily, jamming a fistful of KRACH-itos into her gaping chasmal maw.
Ah the mysteries of the natural world.
Posted by Bree at 07:27 PM | Comments (0)
June 09, 2006
Horsies
[Picture ganked from great NY Times article about Old West.]
Sad news at Sweet Brook Stables this week. Two of my Mom's mares have spontaneously aborted their foals, only a few weeks before their due dates. Strangely, it may be linked to an infestation of tentworm caterpillars in the Northeast. Apparently, some vets thought them responsible for a spate of miscarriages in Kentucky a few years ago.
We are all very upset about this turn of events. Fingers crossed that the one remaining foal makes it to term. It's due August 3rd.
Posted by Bree at 12:11 AM | Comments (0)
May 26, 2006
Holy Cute
And in the "100 percent totally adorable" category (one which I venture into rarely...and with great trepidation), comes Patrick's awesome little kitty.
MWAHHH!
Need!
Posted by Bree at 01:48 PM | Comments (0)
May 15, 2006
Mother's Day Not So Celebratory for Mungit
Yesterday, while moms across the country reveled in the satisfaction that comes with a functioning uterus, a mountain lion decided to skip the mimosas and enjoy the holiday in a more unique style. Specifically, by breaking into a home in downtown Boulder, binging on a "fancy feast" of its own design and then - in apparent homage to Archie Bunker - fully and unapologetically sacking out:
"The cougar had gotten into the house...through a dog door used for Mungit, a 15 year-old cat. The lion had entered the home, killed and ate poor Mungit, and then ate the dry cat food stored in the house. It left to deposit Mungit's remains outside and to take a nap in the 10-foot-wide space between the two homes."
Is anyone besides me making the JonBenet/Mother's Day connection here? Granted, the hallmarks of the Ramsey case - pageantry, patent leather and inept policing - are not blatantly parallel to the Mungit murder, but I'll tell you one thing: Lennie Briscoe would be checking Burke Ramsey's alibi right about now. Young boys have killed for a lot less than a scoopful of Kibble.
Oh, and while we're on the subject of ways one might die that you haven't given enough consideration to, think about this next time you're out for a nature walk:
"Capable of leaping 40 feet in a single bound and 15 feet straight up, a mature 140-pound male [mountain lion] can bring down a bull elk weighing 600 pounds or drag an 800-pound horse 100 yards."
More info about these beasts here.
More info about chain mail suitable for your upcoming camping trip here.
Posted by Bree at 11:42 AM | Comments (0)
May 13, 2006
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
Hybrid bear shot dead in CanadaA white bear with brown patches shot dead in northern Canada is the first grizzly-polar hybrid found in the wild, DNA tests have confirmed.
Canadian wildlife officials say it is the offspring of a male grizzly bear and a female polar bear.
There have long been stories of oddly coloured bears living in regions where the two territories overlap.
But until now, grizzly-polar hybrids, dubbed "grolar bears" or "pizzlies", have been found only in zoos.
The hybrid bear was shot last month by an American big game hunter on Banks Island, Northwest Territories, Canada.
His guide, Roger Kuptana, noticed the creature had the long claws and slightly humped back of a grizzly bear and thought it might be a hybrid.
The body was seized by officials, who sent a DNA sample for tests which confirmed its unusual origins.
"It's something we've all known was theoretically possible because their habitats overlap a little bit and their breeding seasons overlap a little bit," said Ian Stirling, a biologist at the Canadian Wildlife Service in Edmonton.
"It's the first time it's known to have happened in the wild."
Polar and grizzly bears have been bred together in zoos, but in the wild they rarely cross paths.
However, some grizzly bears have been seen venturing across the ice towards polar bear territory to search for food after emerging from hibernation. This might explain how the rare union occurred.
"In the limited area where the two species' ranges overlap, it is not entirely surprising that we might find a polar-grizzly hybrid," said David Field, Zoological Director of the Zoological Society of London.
"However, there are behavioural differences between the species, including timing of mating seasons, that make such hybrids highly unusual and it is unlikely that any resultant offspring would be viable."
Canadian wildlife officials are now thinking up a name for the creature. Some of the suggestions they have come up with so far are "pizzly", "grolar bear" or "nanulak", after the Inuit names for polar bear (nanuk) and grizzly bear (aklak).
Posted by Bree at 11:39 AM | Comments (0)
April 23, 2006
Tribute to a True Friend
Such sad news from the Pope-dom:
"My dear, sweet, orange cat Vincent died this morning. He was having heart troubles, had a rough night, and I held his paw as the vet put him down.
He had a good life - 7 years of Carew/Pope bliss. He came from the rough streets of San Francisco after which I met him at the city pound with the moniker "Woody". Woody became my Vincent (aka "Vinnie", aka "Prince Vince") and soon moved with me, via a very long plane ride, to Chicago. He only escaped his Chicago- apartment life once, and never ventured out in those scary streets again. He came with me when I moved in with David, was thrilled when we all got engaged, and happily changed his name to Pope (Carew became his middle name). When 2nd cat Bear came on the scene, Vincent put up a fuss. But soon the two cats became "brothers", and the claws were put away.
I am very sad, not to see his puss in the window when I come home or wake with his smiling whiskers inches from my nose. So I ask that you raise your glass, say a prayer, or whatever it is to send Vincent off to that great sandbox in the sky...He will be missed."
Posted by Bree at 08:14 AM | Comments (0)
April 17, 2006
GLGS: Monday Morning Minutes
Though meetings of the Girls Love Giant Squid Club have been infrequent since my move, I wanted to give you all the latest update:
Colorado?! Landlocked?! Begging to differ!
Posted by Bree at 09:10 AM | Comments (0)
February 27, 2006
Pooch Smooch
Now that's what I call an east-west boxer sandwich.
Mr. Maximus
The Most Stellar Stella
When these two finally meet, the heavens and stars might explode in a galaxy of cuteness. Oh and speaking of explosions, please tell Max that we've all been working hard together to fix Stella's...um, gas issue...and though we haven't quite stumbled on the right solution, there's always tomorrow.
There's a whole world of tomorrows.
Posted by Bree at 01:47 PM | Comments (0)